The Worst Kinds of Dating Profile and the Best Shoes for Them to Wear
The Gold Digger: Hide your wallet and don’t tell her where you work. This one has expensive tastes and she’ll want a whole closet full of shoes before you’re three dates deep. If she wears a pair of Clarks Breeze Sea sandals with textile lining and reasonable price, she won’t look so money-grubbing.
The Cheater: He or she is just looking for a side piece. Oh, sure, they’ll tell you their SO is okay with it, but they’re not. They have no idea. It’s why the only restaurants you visit are incredibly dark. That’s why they’re wearing a pair of Mizuno Wave Rider 21’s with carbon rubber outsole and wave plate shock absorption. It’s the perfect running shoe when you’re running away from your angry soon-to-be ex.
The Status Jumper: If you’ve got social status, this one can sense it like a vampire can sense blood. This one is going to love you right up until the moment they meet someone higher on the social totem pole. She’ll be wearing a pair of Schutz Blasiana stiletto heels with leather lining and outsole and she’s never coming down from that four inch lift.
The Trophy Hunter: He’s got pictures of every hot girl he’s been with and if you’re not careful, you’re gonna be next. Relationship? Not in his lifetime. He’s just in it for the morning after photos. He’ll be wearing a pair of Saucony Peregrine ISO’s with abrasion-resistant outsole for trail and grass. Because the moment he’s done with you, he’s hitting the trail.
The Instagram Girl: The question is not what shoe she’s wearing, the question is what shoe are you going to buy for her? This girl’s only motive is to put a hand into your electronic wallet and keep virtually pulling until there’s nothing left. A pair of Journey West Vintage loafers suits her perfect with soft velvet and durable rubber sole. It’s the perfect shoe for someone who will never work as long as she’s hot.
The Secret Scammer: She looks amazing, but her account is actually run by a 50-something Ukrainian gangster named Cleg. Cleg needs a good shoe to go with his tracksuit, like a pair of Cloudflash’s. Their easy lace closure and soccer-like appearance is appealing to everyone in his village. It’s just the right shoe that some foolish, horny American will end up buying for him.
The Sugar Baby: She’ll tell you she’s not a prostitute. She just takes money for dates and sometimes sex. Although better looking that the Secret Scammer, she’s no less ruthless and demands a pair of Christian Louboutin So Kate’s. They have leather lining, pointed toe and designer name. For buying that, you might get to hold her hand!
The Over Expectant: It’s always a red flag when someone mentions marriage and meeting the parents in a dating bio. This hot-to-be-in-a-relationship person needs to slow down. Like under the speed of light and then some. They’re gonna need a pair of Altra Escalante’s with unique traction patterns and wide toe section. Hopefully, having a comfortable shoe will keep them calm enough not to say something that requires a restraining order after the second text.
The Naïve Noob: Oh, you joined Tinder to make friends and don’t want to have sex with you? Good luck with that. This is probably the same kind of person that shoes up to a formal and asks why everyone’s dressed so fancy. They need a pair of UGG Dakota moccasins with superior comfort and exceptional durability. It’s the perfect shoe to stay home and away from people where you belong.
The Angry One: Nothing says, “Date me” like an angry screed about men or women on your dating profile. This person goes off on anything and has zero filters, then complains that they get no responses. They probably need a pair of Franklin Sports Superlight shin guards with great impact absorption and anatomical fit. It’s the perfect thing for someone that is probably going to get into a lot of fights.