The Government is Tracking Your Shoes and Here’s Why
A new NSA program is figuring out the details of your life and what you do by looking at your footwear. Your active lifestyle and choice of foot covering are giving your privacy away to the big government.
The footwear: Farm to Feet Damascus hiking socks
What it Tells the Government: I’ve got a secret bunker stocked full of supplies in walking distance. When society collapses, I’ll walk straight into the woods and you’ll never see me again!
The footwear: So Danca TA05 tap shoes for beginners
What it Tells the Government: I have zero secrets. If I’m willing to embarrass myself trying to learn tap, I literally have no shame. I cannot be blackmailed ever.
The footwear: K2 Maysis LTD snowboarder boots
What it Tells the Government: When I’m not injuring myself on the slopes, I’m usually too high to pay attention to anything, much less politics or my privacy.
The footwear: Sperry Saltwater duck boots
What it Tells the Government: I own more guns than I do pairs of socks and underwear. Never knock on my door without a warrant and a bulletproof vest.
The footwear: Vans Slip-On sneakers
What it Tells the Government: I’m a college student and most of my money is tied up in Ramen. I care deeply about politics and privacy, but I am powerless to stop you except for my memes and Twitter rants.
The footwear: Saucony Jazz Low Pro Vegan sneakers
What it Tells the Government: I am the least-liked person in my apartment building and I constantly smell like patchouli oil. While you’ll easily be able to listen to my conversations and read all my emails, you won’t want to after you start.
The footwear: Rainbow Sandals Double Layer
What it Tells the Government: I put “surfer” as my occupation on my tax form, even though I’ve never reported any income over $5000. I live in a shack on the beach with seven roommates and consider sand castle building a major art form.
The footwear: Clarks Brier Dolly pumps
What it Tells the Government: I voted for Hillary and I’m still determined to overturn the election. The security on my electronics is laughable, but if I ever found out you were spying on me, I would rain down a team of lawyers until you begged for mercy.
The footwear: Skechers Litebeams sneakers
What it Tells the Government: I am 30-something adult, but I dress like a fifth grader. My childlike whimsy makes me an easy target for scammers or anyone that wants to see my browser history, but all you find on it is tons and tons of anime.
The footwear: Nike Metcon 4 crossfit sneakers
What it Tells the Government: Unless you wiretap the gym, you’re probably not going to find out anything about me. I am in a constant state of exercise because even the slightest bit of fat on my body makes me hate myself. I haven’t eaten cake in over five years, but not a day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about the last slice I had.
The footwear: UGG Ansley slip on shoes
What it Tells the Government: I made a billion dollars on an Internet startup. Before that, I was a Democrat. These days, I’m a Trump supporter. I bought a second yacht with the tax break he gave me and crewed it with illegal aliens.
The footwear: Ariat Rambler cowboy boots
What it Tells the Government: As a Texan, I count my horse as a dependent. As a Libertarian, I spend most of my time trying to come up with schemes not to pay the IRS and lobbying the state government to legalize pot.
Written by Tony DiGerolamo